Jesus offends me. But does He ever ask forgiveness? Hell, no!

Having grown up (and grown out of) a conservatively Christian household in the southern reaches of the Bible Belt, how well do I remember the words:

“Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
The Bible tells me so.”

For some reason (probably the inherent brain-washing), it took me a long time to figure a few things out about the chorus of this song:

1. repeating something three times is often indicative of it being a mantra, and yet Christianity frowns upon things like “meditation”, “incantation” or “magic spells”. To me, that eventually took the statement “Yes, Jesus loves me” to the same level of “There’s no place like home.” And given the household I was raised in, “There’s no place like home” wasn’t exactly an endorsement.
2. and, “The Bible tells me so.” Really? Why? Because you wouldn’t know it for the back-handed, self-aggrandizing way Jesus-lovers treat you, that’s why.

There’s a boat-load of things I could snark up on in the entirety of that song, but doing so would require me to quote more of it, and I fundamentally (pardon the pun) refuse to do so.

There’s plenty of other things that Jesus does to offend me, so let’s talk about some of those instead.

Speaking of Jesus loving you, you might have heard of this interesting little Jesus-SNAFU. You might have even thought it was funny. Allow me to elucidate why this is actually so God-damn (again pardon the pun) comically offensive.

photo credit: Blue Q / Reuters

Geez, where to start, huh? No, no. I’ll dive into this dumpster for you.

1. “LOOKin’ GOOD for JESUS”. No really, look at the mix of upper-case and lower-case letters there. Interesting. Is the young Virgin Mary wanna-be supposed to be “Lookin’ good for Jesus”, or is she supposed to affirm, “LOOK GOOD JESUS”. Because really, Jesus, you’re butt-fucking ugly. Look good, dammit. Ya slacker. And get a haircut, ya holy hippie.
2. Virtuous Vanilla. Vanilla is a vine, indigenous to Mexico, that is harvested when it is dried and shriveled up. In other words, to be truly virtuous, one should be an elderly Mexican suffering from dehydration. Now that’s inspirational!
3. Be Worthy · Be Noticed · Get Ready ~ What the fuck? Our darling little crusader needs vanilla lip balm for the fucking Rapture? Jesus Christ, what are these people thinking. Oh. Maybe she just needs to be ready to get noticed by the preacher’s son. My bad.
4. I do like the fancy script on “SPF 18″ and “LIP BALM”. Because nothing says “Holy” like a medieval-looking script font.
5. Wait….Who’s that at the bottom? Is that Mary Magdalene and her provocatively-dyed twin sister? JESUS SCORES!!! Ah, those pouty lips. Those alluring limped pools of virtuously vanilla Christ-adoring worshipfulness. I’ll bet Jesus has that image of lip balm strategically placed over his lower torso for a reason. These gals are hot. And with their virtuously vanilla lip balm, I’ll bet they’re not there just to wash his feet!

Totally offensive, isn’t it? I think so, and I’m not just talking about the poor use of pink and yellow. But I could have told you this wasn’t an Official Product of God because it only has one cross on it. Don’t these little pew-wetters know there’s got to be lots of crosses on it in order for it to be a bona-fide Holy Item? Jesus Christ, get a grip, girls.

photo credit: Blue Q / Reuters

Let me just say, first of all, when you have to put the words “King-size Tote” on a king-size tote, you’re obviously not marketing to intellectuals. But why stop there?

1. “the King of Kings” ~ relatedly, and just taking a rough guess on size here, i’m pretty sure this King-size tote could handle a twelve pack of the “King of Beers”. Definitely a six-pack, anyway. Just an observation. Sunday School was pretty boring, as I remember, though. But some beer would definitely help you land a honey of a holy-roller, little darlin’.
2. “Be Worthy · Be Noticed” again. At least they’re honest. None of the real flaming Jesus-knucklers are anything remotely akin to “humble”. Might as well go straight for the attention, little darling. By the way, they used the bright yellow and pink to distract the minister from the obvious effects of your religious in-breeding. I’m sorry, but it’s about time somebody in your life was honest with you. That’s also why some beer would help.
3. Oh look. There’s Mary and her dye-job twin again, lovingly gazing upon the Holy Torso of Jesus. I guess that’s a conservative thing. Personally, I’d be more than happy with two brunettes. Especially with full, sun-protected, vanilla-flavored lips like those. Jesus is such a good guy, though, keeping His eyes on Heaven. Then again, with product like this working for the little angels, I’ll bet Jesus gets so much putang he doesn’t really have to look at ‘em. And theoretically, he doesn’t even have to see them to know them, anyway, right?

Now, that’s truly offensive. Jesus gets all the pussy, and all I got was a blog to bitch about it on. “Jesus loves me”, my ass!

Hrm….what else have we got?

photo credit: Blue Q / Reuters

Why, it’s none other than the “Lookin’ Good for Jesus Change Purse”….I guess because nothing says “I’m prepared for a lifetime of scatalogical debauchery with my minister” like a zipper-closed change purse! As an added bonus, girls, it’s made of plastic, so in a pinch, it can probably keep a semen sample viable for as long as 30 minutes: a very important consideration when awarding yourself that paternity test for your sixteenth birthday! Yeah, baby, Show HIM the MONEY! Give it to Him! Harder! Yeah! Like that! Unnnnnngh!!!!!

Sorry, guess I got distracted there for a minute. But Jesus was making eye-contact with Mary this time, and weird shit just started happening. Luckily, the dye-job twin is going to “Be Net Worthy” this time. Oh, the funny puns that the English-as-a-second language contrive! This is entirely offensive to me on the basis of the presumption that the manufacturers of this fine product expect the little cross-swallowers to get ahead in life by saving spare change. Completely ridiculous, especially since the real power-holders in religious conservativism don’t think about people on that kind of income-level as viable candidates for their “good will”.

Damn. I got all serious and shit. My bad. But it usually happens after I orgasm. See previous apology. Gah. What’s next?

photo credit: Blue Q / Reuters

Why, it’s none other than the official “Ministerial Mirror of Holy Snortage”. Or, something like that, anyway. It always intrigues me that the most amount of marketing goes on the smallest packages. Does that mean that the preachers who preach the loudest have the smallest dicks? Just a thought.

1. “REDEEM YOURSELF IN HIS EYES” ~ because you need to, you dirty little tramp. In fact, you need to so bad, we put it in ALL CAPS. Yeah, that’s right. We’ll give you the tools you need to look good for more than just the preacher’s horny little prodigy, but we’re going to treat you like the little slut you are in the meantime.
2. Now, keep in mind, your Trusty Mirror is to be used to primp and polish only. Oh yeah, and to setup up some coke lines for your favorite philandering minister. It is NOT to be used to signal for help or to check to see if your local Hand of God actually casts a reflection. Trust me, you don’t want to know. But fear not! In return for using your Trusty Mirror properly, we’ll never even mention what an ugly little inbred whelp you are! Seriously, take a good look. Do you see Mary and her dye-job twin on this package? Hell, no! You’re the prettiest princess in the whole mirror, sweetheart. You put on that Virtuous Vanilla lip balm and take one of those condoms out of your King Size Tote Bag, and get ready to praise the Lord.
3. “ADORN · ADORE” ~ Hell, yeah, baby. Put it all on. All of it. Yeah. That’s the way I like it. Praise God in your adornment, baby. Yeah, that’s it. Bend over and accept Christ!
4. “Be Worthy · Be Pure” ~ well, don’t you worry too much about that one, my little Sunday offering. If you’re holding your Trusty Mirror, you’re already worthy, and that coke you set up for me was pure enough. That’s a good girl. Hey, check it out. If you hold that mirror just so, you can watch me while I’m filling you with my Holy Message. Mmmmmmmm…. That’s right, baby. Peek-a-boo!
5. “LOOK YOUR SUNDAY BEST” ~ Your Sunday morning best, my little cherub. Not your Sunday afternoon after-the-donation-session best. You wanna turn around now, angel? Yeah, that’s it. There you go. Did you know that Jesus put the “mission” in “missionary position”? Mmm-Hmm. You bet your diaphragm He did. When you look your Sunday best, that is.

Okay, obviously, I’d better stop now. I’m getting a little too caught up in this. But, the last thing that offends me about this:

“PLEASE HIM for CHRIST’S sake”. First off, it’s a little ambiguous who “HIM” is. Is it the local minister, his son, the youth minister, or is it Jesus, who, by the way, ultimately looks an awful lot like Rosey Palmer, if that’s the case. Kind of weird. Secondly, why does anyone need Christ’s sake? What’s wrong with stuff I can get at the liquor store? And who figured out that Christ drinks Japanese beer in the first place?

Besides, should little girls be encouraged for work for Japanese beer? That stuff’s kind of expensive. I thought cheap liquor and low-grade drugs was the standard in trailer parks these days.