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photo credit: Holyland Imports/ny
Are you tired of wearing the same old thing to church on Sunday mornings? Frustrated by losing your headscarf in strong winds? Wish you could have more dramatic effect when berating your children for not living up to your arbitrary, self-contradictory standards?
Then look no further! The Sweet Jesus™ Crown of Thorns® from HolyShit! Technologies is the answer to all your prayers! Made from the toughest carbon-fiber and hand-twisted in a small factory in China by the cousins of the thankless little bastards you adopted last year, your Crown of Thorns® will last a lifetime* of evangelical use!
Showcase it on your coffee table to make your neighbors, friends, and extended family members feel smaller and more insignificant. Earn respect from drivers nationwide who pass you with little clearance by wearing it over your bandana on your first cross-country Holy Roller Crusade to Save the Lost in Sturgis! Wear it with your Official Robe of Martyrdom®** when beating your adopted oriental children for not understanding a word you say, so they’ll at least understand the awesome sacrifice the purchase of their faithless, heathen asses was!
Remember, nothing says “HolyShit!” like the Sweet Jesus™ Crown of Thorns®. Buy now, and we’ll give you a second Crown of Thorns® absolutely free! Use your second Crown of Thorns® along with your Holy Crucifixion Set®*** for fun-filled reenactments at the next church picnic!
Don’t get caught like Delay! Buy now and Be Saved!
*Limited 33-year warranty. Superior Cross of Sacrifice® sold separately. See package for details.
**Official Robe of Martyrdom® sold separately. Some assembly required.
***Holy Crucifixion Set® sold separately. Not recommended for children under the age of 7 and does not support persons over 100 pounds.
HolyShit! Technologies. Your #1 supplier of JESUS CRAP™ nation-wide! We make the stuff that makes the rest of the world nervous!
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one of my favorite groups when i was a younger lad was Echo & the Bunnymen. at least until they went and got all religious about life. back in 1984, on the album, “Ocean Rain”, they produced a song called “Thorn of Crowns”, hence the title of this post. yes, i do know the two things are distinctly different. nevertheless, i include a video version of the song below, because the one reminded me of the other. my favorite line is the opening:
You set my teeth on edge
You set my teeth on edge
You think you’re a vegetable
Never come out of the fridge
