In this busy, workaday world, your relaxing spaces are very important to you. Your devotional meditations are a special part of your everyday life, and your sense of personal integrity demands that they reflect your inner self. That’s why we at HolyShit! Technologies have taken great pains to make devotional items that are both inspirational and meditative. We’re proud to offer products that reflect the essential qualities of the lovingly predictable people that pay us lots of money to create, market, and distribute them!

So, we know you’ll fall in love with this wonderful item, the Holy Birdbath of Self-Adoration. Saint Francis, a favorite devotional figure, was known for his life of poverty and generosity. That’s why you’ll adore having this stylish and fashionable icon in your garden, where you can contemplate on the joy of paying only $1,550 for this constant reminder of your own piety and philanthropy. Watch the little birds come to drink each morning after your maid refills the reservoir with the finest spring water. Gaze with rapture upon the tender face of Saint Francis while giving thanks that somebody changed his name from Santo Francesco, because that would have been really confusing. This meditative icon is so realistic, if you stare at it long enough, you’ll swear you can hear Saint Francis asking you to feed the little birds (triple martini on the rocks sold separately)! Give thanks also for having Juan, Pablo, and Manuel to trim around your loving Saint, just as they are sure to be pleased to have yet another piece of faux art in your garden to trim around!

This charming, limited edition work of art is made from the finest resins and lovingly hand-painted by underage paint-by-color specialists who are whipped for getting anything wrong, so that you can rest assured that your devotional icon can relate to your own suffering and misery, especially when your SUV is in the shop for repairs, or you’ve broken a nail, or that woman came to church wearing a dress that’s just like yours. We recommend displaying your Holy Birdbath indoors or in the shade so that God’s Eternal Light does not cause the object of your self-adoration to fade. Your hired help should buff and polish your Holy Birdbath at least weekly—daily if those damned cute little birds keep leaving “little gifts” on Saint Francis’ head and shoulders! During the Lenten Season, we recommend actually tending to this charming icon yourself, if only just for show (unless, of course, there’s poopy on it). Your maid can show you how (interpreter sold separately). But be sure to point out your Holy Birdbath during luncheons and Bible studies so that your friends and neighbors will envy your stylish sense of decor as well as your philanthropic generosity, and most certainly make frequent reference to the generous Saint whenever your children don’t give you enough time to yourself.

The Holy Birdbath of Self-Adoration is guaranteed to provide a lifetime of smug superiority. Buy today, and we’ll throw in a Holy Bird Feeder of Self-Congratulation absolutely free!

HolyShit! Technologies^®. We put the shit into holy, day after day after day.

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the objects of this snarkery was found at: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=4005182&show_all_cr=1&event=EBRN#curr
and: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=96171Y&netp_id=474664&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW&view=details#CURR

photo credits: Jim Shore/Enesco Corporation

JESUS CRAP™, fun-filled Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People, by commander other.

photo credit: AP Photo/Elise Amendola

“According to January sales records released today by the Happy Fun-Time^® Company, nationwide sales of the Huckabilly™ Love Doll™ appear to be on the rise, with the most marked increase ranging across southern states. A company spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous, attributed the recent increase in sales to the fact that the former governor’s mouth is ‘a whole lot purdier than that wife of his.’”

I’m pleased to introduce a new feature here on the OtherWhirled, OtherWhirreds™: A lexicon of political, religious, and technical jargon (also jingoisms) with contrived definitions as only commander other can twist them. Of course, as you might have expected, OtherWhirreds™ is really just a lame attempt for the unapologetic misuse of contracted and oddly-capitalized homonyms because I think they’re funny.

Today’s Word: Selective Diversity: The practice of a politician and/or his staff which include efforts, especially “photo ops”, which infer and/or demonstrate the politician’s presumed political, sociological, or idealogical diversity, usually in a vain attempt to mask a poorly-hidden predisposition that will later be unveiled once the politician is in office.

photo credit: AP Photo/Gerald Herbert

Example: “While campaigning in Ohio, presidential hopeful John McCain seemed intent in showing a selective diversity in the lobbyists with whom he was willing to be photographed.”

photo credit: REUTERS/Darren Staples

The theme for this post is “Prozac”. Sadly, I couldn’t eat just one.