the otherwhirled

yeah, it’s another meme. either shit, or get off the pot. you have a blog for goodness’ sake. if you expected non-memery, you should have been a journalist.

sorry, somebody needed to say that. if for no other reason than that i recently realized that my previous non-memery stance was a bit misguided. memes don’t detract from your blogolary mission. they enhance it.

presuming, of course, that you have the time for that kind of shit. which i theoretically don’t, but thanks to one client being really slow on the up-take today, i guess i do….

to wit:

this here particular piece o’ memery comes to me, relatively simultaneously, in the greater scheme of things anyway, from the curvaceously delicious Cap’n Dyke and the eventual ruler of the not-so-free world, Dr. Zaius. yes, Dr. Zaius likewise claims to have received the meme through the lovely and talented Cap’n Dyke, but i’ll remind you that i referenced time “in the greater scheme of things”, as in the grand continuum, the likes of which look upon the brief spinning of our tiny blue-tinted globe and barely sniffs. besides, referencing things this way allows me to link multiple times to both Cap’n Dyke, whom i heartily adore, and to Dr. Zaius, who, though he has never blogged over here like his diabolical opponent for ruler of the not-so-free world, still saw fit to link to my poorly-updated personal blog (and even my LinkedIn profile!) as well as to a collection of photographs from this past summer that unfortunately currently exist in a place where certain user-interface image references have disappeared.

holy shit. was that enough links in one paragraph? you should see what it looks like in code. jaysus-h-fecking-christ humping a tadpole, that’s ugly in xhtml.

so anyway, you’re walking down a beach. upon the beach, you eventually discover a glass bottle. you discover this glass bottle because you’re sauntering down the beach, alone, again, at sunset, with your head down instead of looking around at the gloriously beautiful world around you. you’re probably thinking about a recently-lost love, or some hardship at work, or how to responsibly guide your children to adulthood in this cesspool of reality we call “living”, or wondering how to beat the next level of whatever brainless fucking game it is you play whenever you think your boss isn’t looking. at any rate, you stumble upon this bottle, and you pick it up, and you look inside, because you’re literally THAT bored, wondering if you’ll find more than the mouldering remains of whatever used to occupy the bottle. disenchanted with your existence, disenfranchised by all those who know you, you are nevertheless possessed of keen eyesight, and you notice a small slip of paper on the inside. what’s this?! a message?!?! how could it be?!?!?!

well….DUH….it’s a meme. geez, did you really have to ask that question?

yeah, see, i knew what you were thinking. you clicked the expando-link just to toss in your two cents about my acerbically cynical attitude, didn’t you? well, everyone’s a bastard, and everyone’s going to hell, right?

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS (see, i knew you were wondering when i’d get to this part. aren’t i helpful?)

commander other’s specialized just-for-you instructions (a slight side-step from the original meme, but you knew I was an asshole and wasn’t going to confine myself to something as pedantic as “rules” for goodness’ sake!) If you want the original meme rules, go here and be all dutiful and shit.

(oh, and while you’re over there, give kudos to Mimi for the theme. it’s cute and all that. but take note that she felt compelled not only to coin the phrase blogernity, but also took the time to tell everyone what it meant. methinks Mimi’s got a bit too much time on her hands, and her subscribership might be duller than a box of unsharpened pencils. now, don’t get all nasty! i said, “might”. pfft.)

NO REALLY, THE FECKING RULES

1. you gots two choices. two. no fecking around with the choices. goodness knows *i* didn’t!

you can use this itty-bitty teeny-weeny graphic made for people with microscopic monitors that were manufactured in the Dark-Fecking-Ages and, which was copy-n-pasted a bazillion times over from the originator (and thus getting entirely degraded now because people still like to pretend that they don’t understand that JPEG is a lossy format)

or you can use this prominently-sized image that commander other illicitly interpolated so that there’d be enough room on it to write something and actually show up at a resolution that doesn’t make you have to put on your reading glasses. sure, it’s not as sharp and clear as the original, but on the other hand, sharpness is relative, and when you’ve got an extremely low-resolution image to begin with, well, you’re kinda limited in terms of success, okay? Don’t believe me? ask your children!

i kid, i kid. “really!”

(if you weren’t aware, the word “use” means, “right-click it and download it to somewhere on your computer where you can go play with it”)

2. now that you’ve downloaded my larger version of the image, think of something yummy and juicy, or elegant, or insightful, or inciteful, or deceitful, or helpful, or all warm-n-fuzzy, or whatever the fuck you want to kid yourself about. remember, though, it’s gotta fit in the image, and most people can’t read font sizes smaller than 9 pixels. not to mention the fact that a whole bunch of words crammed together over an image just look stupid.

3. put the words over the image and save it as a new image. if you don’t know the tools you need for this step, get the fuck off the computer so a competent user can avail his/herself of some bandwidth, would you? jaysus.

4. repeat all this shit in a blog post of your own. okay, admittedly, it’d probably be better if you repeated her shit. or hers. or his.

5. now, since Mimi is blatantly pandering for traffic to her website (which is perfectly acceptable, after all, and i heartily recommend the act of blatant pandering for self-congratulatory linkage to one’s own blog just for shits and grins. in fact, if you were really smart, you’d've already done something like this on your own pissant corner of the blogosphere), go back to her place and use her Mr. Linky form (at the bottom of the referenced post) to let her know what a craven hack for attention you are. also, send her an email at mimiwrites2005[at]yahoo[dot]com because she just can’t get enough.

6. Mimi says to “Tag a minimum of five people - or your entire blogroll - to do the same. Notify them of the tag.” first of all, Mimi, the symbol “-” does not suffice for an em-dash, and two of ‘em only barely do. what you’re looking for is “—”. much better. it’s —. see how easy that was? and for the rest of you, if you want to participate or pass it along, i don’t really need to remind you of the existence of your free will, do i? naw, i didn’t think so.

oh. so what did i come up with for this little meme? well, i think you’re about to figure out why i was so blasted cranky about it.