Jesus Cheesus™

…wherein Commander Other provides a brief collection of Praise-the-Lord-and-Pass-the-Cheetos^® Holy Articles of Faith found in various Grab Bags of Holy Orange Stains and Belches, made all the more briefer because he really does need to earn his paycheck.

If you were not aware, Jesus Cheesus™ is a spiritual mystery-being who can be found at various times of the year and in various parts of the globe, blessing random bits of His Chosen Cheesy Snack Food with His Holy Cheesy Presence by virtue of his willful incarnation (a Personal Sacrifice!) of particular cheesy snacks shaped in His Cheesy Image. Commander Other is not aware of having personally met or consumed any particular incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™ in the past or in the present, but would be happy to digest a Jesus Cheesus™ or two to test the theory that digestion is actually the express intent of Jesus Cheesus’ random appearances to the Cheesetarded Who Refuse to Eat Him. Were these Cheesetards understanding of Jesus Cheesus’ Cheesetastic Desires, they would consume Him readily and fill themselves with the Holy Presence of His Snacktasticness.

Naturally, this brings about a few questions regarding the prospect of Eternal Cheesy Salvation and the consumption of the Snacktastic Goodness of Jesus Cheesus™ in general:

1. Would the likes of Commander Other be forever saved from Eternal Unhealthy Snack-Food Damnation by the ingestion of a random incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™?
2. Would a non-believer like Commander Other still be afforded an Eternity of Non-Stop Snackery Goodness by virtue of the act of Jesus Cheesus™ consumption?
3. Do those who have unknowingly consumed an incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™ automatically have a place reserved in Heaven, complete with orange-stained robes, or do they have to recognize and intentionally consume Jesus Cheesus™ in order to avail themselves of His Personal Grab-Bag of Orange Finger-Lickin’ Goodness?

Sadly, these questions remain unanswered. I hereby challenge all readers to attempt to find their own Jesus Cheesus™, consume Him, and report back on your findings.

Item #1 one of today’s Holy Snack-Tasty Enthrallment comes from Ms. Dorothy Dursley of Rio Rancho, NM, who claims that after discovering her own personal icon of Cheesy Crucifixion, she will never eat another Cheeto^® ever. Personally, Commander Other assumes the name is fictitious. Could “Dorothy Dursley” be the the sister of Harry Potter’s oppressive, overweight uncle? I suppose it’s possible, but that would also mean she might have read the magically tainted, evil publications of that non-God-fearing author, J.K. Rowling. I do not know if “Dorothy Dursley” auctioned off her Holy Yum-Yum of Cheesy Salvation, but I find myself sorely tempted to fly out to New Mexico and offer her a year’s supply of Cheetos^® just for the expression on her face.

This questionably-holy-looking Cheeto^® on the left was apparently nearly eaten by Houston pastor Steve Cragg, who then dubbed this Holy Monument of Cheesy Self-Indulgence “Cheesus”, obviously in a craven attempt to violate Commander Other’s express copyright on the phrase “Jesus Cheesus™”, established at least one month later. Pastor Cragg’s Immortal Icon of Cheesery appears to be kneeling in prayer, just as Jesus did at the Mount of Olives, where it is reported that He actually said, “Father, please let this Grab-Bag pass from Me.” Like “Dorothy Dursley”, Pastor Cragg has restrained himself from masticating the Body of Jesus Cheesus™ in Holy Cheesy Communion, and thus will not be included in the Eternal Snack-Pack Incentives that are prophesied to come after Cheesageddon.

Sadly, these appear to be the only two incarnations of Jesus Cheesus™ currently available on Teh Innernuts, at least as dictated by the time available to me and the fact that the network geeks at my new employer have finally gotten around to fixing the access problem that has kept me from doing my job all morning. I should also point out that Commander Other was deeply saddened to find an Ebay auction of a supposedly-entirely-different incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™ that had been removed.

Dear Ebay,

Commander Other
(The Official Holy Cheesetastic Blogger of the otherwhirled )

I would like to point out that it is improper to refer to other Cheesy Jesuses, made from other cheesy products such as Velveeta^®, grilled cheese shandwiches, and sculptured cheese, as Jeesus Cheesus™ or even the abbreviated Cheesus. Lest you forget the Holy Power of Fatty Snackery.

~~~
now, I thought long and hard about this, but ultimately decided that since Cheetos^® are purchasable, and since often these little trifles of cheese-powdered spirituality are auctioned online to the highest bidder most gullible nimrod, then Jeesus Cheesus products do indeed fall under the dubious category we all know and love as:

JESUS CRAP™, fun-filled Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People, by commander other.