a tip of the atheistic helmet to Radical Atheist’s post, Holy MP3 Player, which first alerted me to this piece of JESUS CRAP™ that was so absolutely, fantastically, mesmerizingly incredible that i willfully and knowingly didn’t save updates to an ongoing draft so that I could make this post.
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So, I’m sitting in a coffee shop, minding my own business, posting entirely irreverent thoughts and feelings to my little corner of the universe, wholly satisfied with the relative unlikelihood that either I or my “eternal soul” will be consigned to “Hell” for the things that I do. I’m typing away joyfully, committing one or more likely indiscretions in the views of my religious friends, when I hear a tinny-but heartfelt rendition of Amy Grant’s “Arms of Love”, which I hadn’t heard in literally over twenty years, back when I was still a brainwashed, Jesus-loving troglodyte.
I turn to my left, and sure enough, there at the table next to me is a forty-something religious-type working on his church’s website through his earbuds. My eyes quickly take in the scene with a “go figure” attitude, but then they seem to be drawn from his expensive Bose earguds, down the connecting cable, but not to his dinky-looking-but-swanked-out 14″ notebook computer, which would have made at least some form of sense. No, instead, they appear to be attached to the very thing that was responsible for the death of his very own Savior.
“Jesus Christ, what the Hell are you listening to,” I am unable to keep myself from exclaiming aloud.
He looks at me askance, unable as he was to really hear what I said, notes that I have “Planet Atheism” in my the browser of my considerable 17″ notebook, and slides away from me further to the left while cranking the volume up on Amy Grant’s tinny croonings. As he slides away, I indulge in the fond reminiscence of the early 1980’s when my still-adolescent mind would have heartily enjoyed banging Amy Grant to Kingdom Come, but prudently choose instead to glorify the femaleness of several of the members of my youth group.
But, I digress, and no, I wasn’t a very good Christian. I honestly felt all guilty about that until I finally realized that I was simply following in the footsteps of most of the Christian leaders who had progressed through adulthood before me. At least I liked young women instead of juvenile males who needed far more from a “father figure” than his holy rod of spiritual retribution.
So, if you’re a good little Christian boy or girl, and you’re wondering how you can subtly offend the non-believing people around you (or those who prefer that their music not contain false, self-aggrandizing dogma-ingratiating lyrics), be sure to pick up one of these little gems. They’re probably a little uncomfortable in your front pocket, but that right there is a Judas-thought, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
You can get your very own Cross MP3 Player (jPod) from engadget.com, a place which now makes me shudder. Impress your entire youth group with your semi-phallic representation of the presumed sacrifice granted unto you by some mythological guy who probably never existed! Use your 4Gb of Sacred Digital Storage Space to maintain your entire collection of “Christian Rock”….up to ten times over at 128kbps! It even comes complete with a microphone jack so that you can record the Holy Rantings of your Chosen Pastor of Duplicitous Ramblings!
From the website:
Destined to be sold in bulk quantities to youth groups everywhere, the Cross MP3 Player is hardly designed by coincidence, and comes with 4GB of internal memory, a two-color LCD, built-in speaker, FM tuner, integrated mic, seven equalizer modes and a multi-language menu for those overseas mission trips. Fightin’ the good fight will only cost you $48.14, but you can whittle that down even more by purchasing these things by the hundreds
Yes, that’s right. You’re a rich, young, probably-white neo-conservative Christian. You can afford to buy them in bulk and pass them out as a “blessing” to those less fortunate to you. Because, after all, nothing says “holiness” like the gift of cheesy, cross-shaped small-ass MP3 players for the less-fortunate-than-you token Hispanic members of your congregation who don’t even have computers! Rock on, Christian Soldier!
Sadly, the jPod’s FM Tuner may not allow you to capture Rush Limbaugh broadcasts, but at least you’ll be able to listen to your favorite alternative-rock station while you’re fag-bashing at the local park or gang-raping that little trollop who lives a couple of blocks away.
Buy one today. Hell, buy a dozen! Jesus would! In fact, if he had actually existed, I’m sure Jesus would have loved to have one of these to listen to while he was supposedly hanging up there on that hunk of wood, saving YOUR ass from Eternal Damnation and Hellfire!
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{the title of this post was unabashedly plagiarized from Jesus Built My Hotrod, by Ministry, a totally blasphemous work of music, which, were i to actually purchase this piece of turd, would be one of the first songs i would download and play on it.}
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JESUS CRAP™, fun-filled Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People, by commander other.
Profile: i write things. sometimes not too poorly, even. i photograph things. i don't capture them, but i render how the appeared to me, or perhaps how i might have seen them if i'd been looking in a different way. i don't believe in finalities, and new beginnings are old hat with me. i am not what i appear to be, or even what i think i am. i am, in a nutshell, a nut. eat me, or feed me to an elephant.
4 Comments, Comment or Ping
Tengrain
CO -
This is amazing.
Did you photoshop it? I have never seen anything so crass.
Regards,
Tengrain (and in awe, as usual)
May 25th, 2008
commander other
nope, it’s real, Tengrain. I put a link to it up above: http://www.engadget.com/2007/10/12/cross-mp3-player-keeps-the-faith/
May 25th, 2008
Michael David
What sneaky “christian” uncle shumped you up the butt to get you on such a rant about Jesus? Wait, “gang-raping that little trollop who lives a couple of blocks away”. Yep, I thought so. Is that a flashback to when you were gang-anal-raped by several sneaky uncles? You seem like a guy that had that happen to him, as your blog is about as impotent as a 95-year-old with an excised prostate gland.
And what in the hell is this about: “of my considerable 17″ notebook”? A comment that was clearly meant to contrast with his “dinky-looking… 14″ notebook computer”. HAHA! I smell a short-weinered Synthaetica, who loves to fantasize that his 17″ computer is actually the size of his minuscule dork.
Oh, and lets look at the latest bit of hypocrisy by tiny-dick: “you’re wondering how you can subtly offend the non-believing people around you”… Hmmmm… first you say to this Christian person who isn’t bothering you one bit: ““Jesus Christ, what the Hell are you listening to”. NICE. Instead of “subtly offending” you just went for the grand prize (tiny) prick award and did it overtly to a believer in Jesus. Oh, and also you had “Planet Atheism” up on your “considerable 17″ computer”. I wonder if that “subtly offended” the believing person around you? Wow, your hypocrisy knows no bounds, does it? (Hint, no it doesn’t)
Once again, you prove what a hypocritical douche you really are, and how massive your inferiority complex is. When you’re done someday patting yourself on the back for how great you are (and how big your 17″ computer penis is) you might seriously look into the REAL reasons you became an atheist. Clearly some “christian” (purposefully not capitalized) has wounded your tiny psyche, and not because of some haughty intellectual dilemma. By the way, no decent scholar (non-Christian or otherwise) doubts the historicity of Jesus Christ, so it would behoove you to stop showing your stupid ass to the world by calling that into question. Not that doing that would fool anyone into believing you’re an intellectual, but you might look a tiny bit less moronic, and that would be a good thing.
Sep 24th, 2008
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