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So, I’m sitting in a coffee shop, minding my own business, posting entirely irreverent thoughts and feelings to my little corner of the universe, wholly satisfied with the relative unlikelihood that either I or my “eternal soul” will be consigned to “Hell” for the things that I do. I’m typing away joyfully, committing one or more likely indiscretions in the views of my religious friends, when I hear a tinny-but heartfelt rendition of Amy Grant’s “Arms of Love”, which I hadn’t heard in literally over twenty years, back when I was still a brainwashed, Jesus-loving troglodyte.

I turn to my left, and sure enough, there at the table next to me is a forty-something religious-type working on his church’s website through his earbuds. My eyes quickly take in the scene with a “go figure” attitude, but then they seem to be drawn from his expensive Bose earguds, down the connecting cable, but not to his dinky-looking-but-swanked-out 14″ notebook computer, which would have made at least some form of sense. No, instead, they appear to be attached to the very thing that was responsible for the death of his very own Savior.

“Jesus Christ, what the Hell are you listening to,” I am unable to keep myself from exclaiming aloud.

He looks at me askance, unable as he was to really hear what I said, notes that I have “Planet Atheism” in my the browser of my considerable 17″ notebook, and slides away from me further to the left while cranking the volume up on Amy Grant’s tinny croonings. As he slides away, I indulge in the fond reminiscence of the early 1980’s when my still-adolescent mind would have heartily enjoyed banging Amy Grant to Kingdom Come, but prudently choose instead to glorify the femaleness of several of the members of my youth group.

But, I digress, and no, I wasn’t a very good Christian. I honestly felt all guilty about that until I finally realized that I was simply following in the footsteps of most of the Christian leaders who had progressed through adulthood before me. At least I liked young women instead of juvenile males who needed far more from a “father figure” than his holy rod of spiritual retribution.

So, if you’re a good little Christian boy or girl, and you’re wondering how you can subtly offend the non-believing people around you (or those who prefer that their music not contain false, self-aggrandizing dogma-ingratiating lyrics), be sure to pick up one of these little gems. They’re probably a little uncomfortable in your front pocket, but that right there is a Judas-thought, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

You can get your very own Cross MP3 Player (jPod) from engadget.com, a place which now makes me shudder. Impress your entire youth group with your semi-phallic representation of the presumed sacrifice granted unto you by some mythological guy who probably never existed! Use your 4Gb of Sacred Digital Storage Space to maintain your entire collection of “Christian Rock”….up to ten times over at 128kbps! It even comes complete with a microphone jack so that you can record the Holy Rantings of your Chosen Pastor of Duplicitous Ramblings!

From the website:

Destined to be sold in bulk quantities to youth groups everywhere, the Cross MP3 Player is hardly designed by coincidence, and comes with 4GB of internal memory, a two-color LCD, built-in speaker, FM tuner, integrated mic, seven equalizer modes and a multi-language menu for those overseas mission trips. Fightin’ the good fight will only cost you $48.14, but you can whittle that down even more by purchasing these things by the hundreds

Yes, that’s right. You’re a rich, young, probably-white neo-conservative Christian. You can afford to buy them in bulk and pass them out as a “blessing” to those less fortunate to you. Because, after all, nothing says “holiness” like the gift of cheesy, cross-shaped small-ass MP3 players for the less-fortunate-than-you token Hispanic members of your congregation who don’t even have computers! Rock on, Christian Soldier!

Sadly, the jPod’s FM Tuner may not allow you to capture Rush Limbaugh broadcasts, but at least you’ll be able to listen to your favorite alternative-rock station while you’re fag-bashing at the local park or gang-raping that little trollop who lives a couple of blocks away.

Buy one today. Hell, buy a dozen! Jesus would! In fact, if he had actually existed, I’m sure Jesus would have loved to have one of these to listen to while he was supposedly hanging up there on that hunk of wood, saving YOUR ass from Eternal Damnation and Hellfire!

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{the title of this post was unabashedly plagiarized from Jesus Built My Hotrod, by Ministry, a totally blasphemous work of music, which, were i to actually purchase this piece of turd, would be one of the first songs i would download and play on it.}

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JESUS CRAP™, fun-filled Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People, by commander other.

If you were not aware, Jesus Cheesus™ is a spiritual mystery-being who can be found at various times of the year and in various parts of the globe, blessing random bits of His Chosen Cheesy Snack Food with His Holy Cheesy Presence by virtue of his willful incarnation (a Personal Sacrifice!) of particular cheesy snacks shaped in His Cheesy Image. Commander Other is not aware of having personally met or consumed any particular incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™ in the past or in the present, but would be happy to digest a Jesus Cheesus™ or two to test the theory that digestion is actually the express intent of Jesus Cheesus’ random appearances to the Cheesetarded Who Refuse to Eat Him. Were these Cheesetards understanding of Jesus Cheesus’ Cheesetastic Desires, they would consume Him readily and fill themselves with the Holy Presence of His Snacktasticness.

Naturally, this brings about a few questions regarding the prospect of Eternal Cheesy Salvation and the consumption of the Snacktastic Goodness of Jesus Cheesus™ in general:

1. Would the likes of Commander Other be forever saved from Eternal Unhealthy Snack-Food Damnation by the ingestion of a random incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™?
2. Would a non-believer like Commander Other still be afforded an Eternity of Non-Stop Snackery Goodness by virtue of the act of Jesus Cheesus™ consumption?
3. Do those who have unknowingly consumed an incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™ automatically have a place reserved in Heaven, complete with orange-stained robes, or do they have to recognize and intentionally consume Jesus Cheesus™ in order to avail themselves of His Personal Grab-Bag of Orange Finger-Lickin’ Goodness?

Sadly, these questions remain unanswered. I hereby challenge all readers to attempt to find their own Jesus Cheesus™, consume Him, and report back on your findings.

Item #1 one of today’s Holy Snack-Tasty Enthrallment comes from Ms. Dorothy Dursley of Rio Rancho, NM, who claims that after discovering her own personal icon of Cheesy Crucifixion, she will never eat another Cheeto^® ever. Personally, Commander Other assumes the name is fictitious. Could “Dorothy Dursley” be the the sister of Harry Potter’s oppressive, overweight uncle? I suppose it’s possible, but that would also mean she might have read the magically tainted, evil publications of that non-God-fearing author, J.K. Rowling. I do not know if “Dorothy Dursley” auctioned off her Holy Yum-Yum of Cheesy Salvation, but I find myself sorely tempted to fly out to New Mexico and offer her a year’s supply of Cheetos^® just for the expression on her face.

This questionably-holy-looking Cheeto^® on the left was apparently nearly eaten by Houston pastor Steve Cragg, who then dubbed this Holy Monument of Cheesy Self-Indulgence “Cheesus”, obviously in a craven attempt to violate Commander Other’s express copyright on the phrase “Jesus Cheesus™”, established at least one month later. Pastor Cragg’s Immortal Icon of Cheesery appears to be kneeling in prayer, just as Jesus did at the Mount of Olives, where it is reported that He actually said, “Father, please let this Grab-Bag pass from Me.” Like “Dorothy Dursley”, Pastor Cragg has restrained himself from masticating the Body of Jesus Cheesus™ in Holy Cheesy Communion, and thus will not be included in the Eternal Snack-Pack Incentives that are prophesied to come after Cheesageddon.

Sadly, these appear to be the only two incarnations of Jesus Cheesus™ currently available on Teh Innernuts, at least as dictated by the time available to me and the fact that the network geeks at my new employer have finally gotten around to fixing the access problem that has kept me from doing my job all morning. I should also point out that Commander Other was deeply saddened to find an Ebay auction of a supposedly-entirely-different incarnation of Jesus Cheesus™ that had been removed.

Dear Ebay,

Commander Other
(The Official Holy Cheesetastic Blogger of the otherwhirled )

I would like to point out that it is improper to refer to other Cheesy Jesuses, made from other cheesy products such as Velveeta^®, grilled cheese shandwiches, and sculptured cheese, as Jeesus Cheesus™ or even the abbreviated Cheesus. Lest you forget the Holy Power of Fatty Snackery.

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now, I thought long and hard about this, but ultimately decided that since Cheetos^® are purchasable, and since often these little trifles of cheese-powdered spirituality are auctioned online to the highest bidder most gullible nimrod, then Jeesus Cheesus products do indeed fall under the dubious category we all know and love as:

JESUS CRAP™, fun-filled Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People, by commander other.

So, we know you’ll fall in love with this wonderful item, the Holy Birdbath of Self-Adoration. Saint Francis, a favorite devotional figure, was known for his life of poverty and generosity. That’s why you’ll adore having this stylish and fashionable icon in your garden, where you can contemplate on the joy of paying only $1,550 for this constant reminder of your own piety and philanthropy. Watch the little birds come to drink each morning after your maid refills the reservoir with the finest spring water. Gaze with rapture upon the tender face of Saint Francis while giving thanks that somebody changed his name from Santo Francesco, because that would have been really confusing. This meditative icon is so realistic, if you stare at it long enough, you’ll swear you can hear Saint Francis asking you to feed the little birds (triple martini on the rocks sold separately)! Give thanks also for having Juan, Pablo, and Manuel to trim around your loving Saint, just as they are sure to be pleased to have yet another piece of faux art in your garden to trim around!

This charming, limited edition work of art is made from the finest resins and lovingly hand-painted by underage paint-by-color specialists who are whipped for getting anything wrong, so that you can rest assured that your devotional icon can relate to your own suffering and misery, especially when your SUV is in the shop for repairs, or you’ve broken a nail, or that woman came to church wearing a dress that’s just like yours. We recommend displaying your Holy Birdbath indoors or in the shade so that God’s Eternal Light does not cause the object of your self-adoration to fade. Your hired help should buff and polish your Holy Birdbath at least weekly—daily if those damned cute little birds keep leaving “little gifts” on Saint Francis’ head and shoulders! During the Lenten Season, we recommend actually tending to this charming icon yourself, if only just for show (unless, of course, there’s poopy on it). Your maid can show you how (interpreter sold separately). But be sure to point out your Holy Birdbath during luncheons and Bible studies so that your friends and neighbors will envy your stylish sense of decor as well as your philanthropic generosity, and most certainly make frequent reference to the generous Saint whenever your children don’t give you enough time to yourself.

The Holy Birdbath of Self-Adoration is guaranteed to provide a lifetime of smug superiority. Buy today, and we’ll throw in a Holy Bird Feeder of Self-Congratulation absolutely free!

HolyShit! Technologies^®. We put the shit into holy, day after day after day.

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the objects of this snarkery was found at: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=4005182&show_all_cr=1&event=EBRN#curr
and: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=96171Y&netp_id=474664&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW&view=details#CURR

photo credits: Jim Shore/Enesco Corporation

JESUS CRAP™, fun-filled Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People, by commander other.

HolyShit! Technologies. Your #1 supplier of JESUS CRAP™ nation-wide! We make the stuff that makes the rest of the world nervous!

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one of my favorite groups when i was a younger lad was Echo & the Bunnymen. at least until they went and got all religious about life. back in 1984, on the album, “Ocean Rain”, they produced a song called “Thorn of Crowns”, hence the title of this post. yes, i do know the two things are distinctly different. nevertheless, i include a video version of the song below, because the one reminded me of the other. my favorite line is the opening:

You set my teeth on edge
You set my teeth on edge
You think you’re a vegetable
Never come out of the fridge

But, first things first, as I am reminded by my Franklin Covey planner (he’s my organizational deity, by the way. So there, now you know. I believe in a deity, but only in one that keeps me from double-booking client meetings. Not to mention the fact that since I am an Uber-Dorky Nerd God, my duplicitous practices are Holy Writ, and you are hereby authorized to have an organizational deity, too). Oh yeah, anyway, first things first. I have to come up with a name for this particular form of snarkery….

How about…

Christian-Occult Merchandise for E-purchase, and Otherwhirledly Nonsense. COME ON. Hrm…not bad, but not quite the thing i’m looking for.

Maybe….

Criticism on Hyperbolic Religious Iconism in Stupendously Theocratic and Socially Unconscionable Christian KKKrusader Stores. CHRIST SUCKS. Okay, sure he does, but the acronym was an obvious stretch. In fact, I may have pulled something.

No, wait….

Judeo-christian E-commerce Systems Under Scrutiny for the Collective Retardation of All People. JESUS CRAP. Bingo!

Heh.

The fun ensues in short order.